I wonder which are the best problems to have. Perhaps it was easy to follow around narcissists as I had growing up. Their strange behavior leads to problems outside myself, that I mirror within myself. They are discrete problems to trace and solve, gross and convex, intelligent and whipping around. Not oblique or universal, because they become projections and thus self-centered problems. I can look within and see them do their work.
Otherwise, I have to divine some meaning from either well-adjusted normalcy, or mysterious intellectual foffery, or my own stunning ability to fall short of my goals.
The artistic neurotic asshole narcissists, the self-loathing geniuses who make me feel more put-together than I am. The people I can care for when taking care of myself feels like a dead motion of mere continuance.
I taste pointlessness and boredom in my mouth in the company of those I can't understand: whose problems are material and petty, or social and petty, said in a droll, resigned way.
And the hedonists drag others into their whirlpool of breaking even for its own sake.
I would love a consistent way of contributing to the world, where I'm not thinking of myself much but I'm still given recognition. Projects.
Relationships were projects, but that's not all. Being stuck in the world of a funny, opinionated, smart, alert, nerdy, desperate, person...that was my theater for so many years. Not pleasant but it's where I felt real, where I felt needed.
